When your heart wakes back up, the life of grief.

I’ve had roller coaster days of grief for over a year now, for years really…. my mom has been gone 11 years this July and my dad 20 years this December. I feel like I’m grieving them all over again these days too.

But today I feel like my heart has come out of a coma, like it can suddenly feel all the pain of losing my husband. Yesterday was the anniversary of his service. It was far worse than any of the other firsts! Maybe because the anniversary of the day of his passing signaled the end of the firsts to my mind and it wasn’t true. Maybe because I’m going to Alaska, something we dreamed of together, but I’m going without him. Maybe because experience tells the experts the second year is harder, and it’s really true as much as you tell yourself you’ve done a good job grieving and working through your grief, and so it will be different for you. Maybe because life has to go on as much as we subconsciously don’t want it to. Maybe???

I just know the floods gates are open like never before (I promise, I have not to date cried like this….. guess that should have been my first clue that all was not as I thought.) My heart literally hurts in my chest.

But beautifully, God is always there! He designed that yesterday I would talk and cry with a long time friend, whom I met when she was a young widow, with very young children who are now grown. We haven’t talked in forever and it was truly a business call in both our minds, and God had other plans. Today I’m talking to a brand new friend who was also a young widow. Months ago she was at a networking meeting and her heart connected with mine, but the fruit of that didn’t happen until last Thursday when we were at the meeting together again. She made sure to find me after and schedule with me. We scheduled for today. Neither of us knowing how much I would need to talk with her TODAY.

God works in our lives everyday, we just miss a lot or even most of it! Sometimes, it is blatant and we can’t ignore it. I’m afraid most of the time we are too busy and just don’t see it. Maybe this says it best:

Ephesians 3:20 As the facets of His character are infinite, so the ways God provides for us are beyond anything we can ask or imagine.

Father, I’m so grateful for the ways you love on me and provide for my emotional needs. Especially for the times I never even recognize your provision, but also for the times when there is just no doubt that you aligned it all. Amen.

Author: Tammie Myers Sharp

I am a 56 yr old widow, who previously had been divorced twice. I have two adult children from my first marriage and 4 step children. People think I'm strong but it's just that I have deep faith roots. God is my Potter molding and shaping me, and refining me through the fiery kiln of life. God has made me beautiful and the strength people see is from Him. With each difficulty in life I remember: Jeremiah 29:11 "I know the plans I have for you says the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you." View all posts by Tammie Myers Sharp