2017 has been a rough year for many people that I know. Mine has been a big roller coaster year. There was all the craziness of things with a terminally ill loved one. April was especially hard with all that led up to Rob passing away on April 28th.
Then there was time off work, my daughter’s wedding, and I did some traveling. I tried to get back into work, and had a work trip. Suddenly, it’s Thanksgiving…. My children and I get through that. Kept it simple. Suddenly Christmas is here and we manage to get through that without too much trauma…. at least we are doing what we can to honor Rob, to move forward as he would want us to do, to be happy that he’s in Heaven. He’s out of pain and I always think of him fishing with Jesus. As the days go by, I notice I’m more “blue”….. I stay up late watching Hallmark movies, not wanting to go to bed. Then of course I don’t want to get up in the mornings. I’m taking dance lessons, which I love. Working on my own health. Surviving… I guess that’s a good word…. surviving. I often say “As good as can be expected”.
At this moment it’s 1:03 on January 1, 2018. I can’t see the screen well as I type through my tears (I keep reading the script over and over, worried about typos, wrong spellings of words or misuse of words in my traumatic state). My group of dance friends threw together a New Year’s Eve Party tonight. We had learned that one of our favorite bands happened to be available. It’s been a lovely evening. I’m all dressed up (having sat down to write this blog as soon as I got home), I was with friends. There has been much talk by myself and others how ready we are to say goodbye to 2017 and how we have been praying for 2018 to be a much better year. We know God is faithful and that our trials have purpose, but sometimes you are just ready for a fresh start. It’s 11:56 and many have glasses of champagne and we are all ready to toast the New Year, and suddenly I’m not…… I’m not ready to say goodbye to 2017. Saying goodbye to 2017 is all of sudden like saying goodbye to Rob all over again. The lead singer of the band is young…. and he started “Auld Lang Syne” early instead of singing just after we all toasted the New Year…. probably wouldn’t have mattered for me. The tears would have come then anyway. The emotion is strong and saying goodbye to 2017 is very, very painful.
Now as I reflect on all this my tears are stopping, my heartache is easing as I realize that my Heavenly Father knows this pain. His only Son died, so that I could have eternity with the Father instead of the damnation I deserve. He knows the grief. Not only does He know the grief, He willingly subjected himself to it because He LOVES us that much. I cannot fathom that…. but I am calmed by knowing that He knows my grief and that I am loved.
The sun will come up in the morning and we will have a new day to make the best of. I’m going to claim that it will be better than expected. It is 2018, it is okay to say goodbye to 2017 and to hope for all that 2018 can be.
Father, help me to see you through the darkness of grief and letting go. Help me to move forward as Rob would want me to, while honoring him along the way. Help me to show others the path to you.
Grace Under Pressure 