Author: Tammie Myers Sharp

I attended the women’s conference at my church this weekend. It’s called Heart Strong. This morning we started off with praise music. As praise music often does these days, I had some tears going. Words about the hardships we go through and how God is there just touches my heart so deeply, especially after living the hardship of Rob’s illness and passing. Because God and my faith have seen me through that, the words of these praise songs bring on tears of gratefulness.

At one point someone said “please close your eyes and a get a visual of God being here with you.” Immediately I had a picture of my Heavenly Father standing right beside me. He was clothed like we often see Jesus portrayed in movies and plays. But the visual was very real, as if someone had physically come to stand by me. I do believe that God is with us in that very way, but that we don’t recognize it… perhaps we don’t even look for it! I wouldn’t have, if it hadn’t been suggested to me today.

Zephaniah 3:17 “The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.”

Deuteronomy 31:8 “The Lord, himself, goes before you and will be there with you. He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”

Father, help each of us to be more aware of Your presence. To look for it more, to be quiet and listen for You more. To be quieted by Your love when we are hurting and anxious; to hear Your loud singing when You are rejoicing with us. To be bold rather than afraid or discouraged. Amen

In GriefShare they warn us that grief can come when you’re in the grocery store and suddenly you realize you don’t have to buy a particular food for your loved one any more. I haven’t personally experienced that and I think it’s because Rob and I had such similar tastes. Another reason might be because I have no reason to be in the Ensure isle and so it hasn’t come up, or possibly because Rob often stopped at the grocery store too.

Yesterday I was finally getting the dishes caught up and I reached in to get the soap, knocking a few things out of the cabinet as I did. One was something glass and I immediately thought “what was that?” Most soap and cleaning bottles aren’t glass. As I closed the dishwasher door there sat the glass container, and here came the tears. It was a jar from peaches I had bought for Rob, and I was using it to put grease in, on the rare occasion I have such a need.

It was so emotional because he loved peaches and he would tell me how he would get home from school and eat a whole quart of canned peaches.

I’ve been really busy lately and its easy to think you are living life to the fullest. Life is good! Don’t get me wrong life is good and living it to the fullest is the best way I can honor the love we had, because that is what he would want for me. But with great love comes great grief. Grief that is sitting in the recesses of everyday, waiting to remind you that life is very different. That you have a new normal. A new normal that comes with times of tears, healthy cleansing tears for what was.

John 11:35 Jesus wept. Jesus wept for Lazarus even though He knew He was going to raise him from the dead. Our Savior understand our grief.

Father, may we all understand the grief in our hearts is normal. Whether it’s because of the death of a loved one, the loss of “family” through divorce, loss of a job or even a special item, it is normal to have a huge range of feelings. It’s even normal to think that our feelings are in a good place, or under control and then be blindsided by them again. I’m thankful you understand our grief and are there with loving arms.

This was on a pillow I saw recently. As a dancer it resonated with me. When I first was learning to dance, I was 35 years old. Even at 35 I had that feeling of being self conscious.

I worked in downtown Denver and my mom would watch the kids, so I would just go to our dancing spot early. It saved me gas, avoided the cover charge and they had a free taco bar. Made for a cheap night out for a struggling single mom.

But my favorite thing was watching people practice on the dance floor. They were usually competitors taking advantage of the open space on the floor. It was beautiful to watch their graceful moves, but I quickly learned that even they mess up! They just pick right back up and go on dancing! I realized two things: if it worked for them it was okay for me (to mess up), and no one was laughing because they messed up. I was free to really put my heart into it and learn to dance.

Life is like that too. Either we stumble because of something we do or because of what life hands us. If you make it part of the dance then your making lemonade out of lemons. It’s important to just begin again. It’s how we learn and grow, and how we move forward through the toughest of times.

However, I also believe we have help. Psalm 121:3 He will not allow your foot to slip; He who keeps you will not slumber.

We have the assurance that God is there no matter the stumble.

Father, may we feel your presence, your loving arms no matter what kind of stumble we are experiencing. Help us to stumble less of our own accord because we are striving to be more like Jesus, and when life sends us stumbles help us to lean into you. To make it part of the dance that is our life.

This past Sunday morning when I woke it was foggy and grey, and there was a dusting of snow. As I drove to church it was winter wonder land like with the branches on the trees all icy and even the evergreens with their icy pine needles were so beautiful.

When I came out of church it was sunny which makes you feel warmed even thought it’s cold. The sun just brightens my spirit. I don’t think I could live where it grey and rainy, or cold and snowy over 50% of the tome.

As I drove home it struck me how drastically different the icy pattern of the trees were. Patches of trees had the winter wonderland look and other patches had a beautiful green spring look. When I was driving by trees near the road I realized even a single tree looked that way depending on which side of the tree you were on. Winter and spring were present together.

I find life to be like this. My spirit can be cold and gray, especially in my grief. Then something happens and I feel sunshiny and warm. Often this happens when I’m using my pain to help someone else, but it also happens when people notice that I’m happy. It’s a small glimpse of spring in my grief journey. Those glimpses are coming more frequently and staying around longer, but because it is a journey the grief still grips my heart in the cold grey.

Song of Solomon 2:11-12 For behold, the winter is past; the rain is over and gone. The flowers appear on the earth, the time of singing has come, and the voice of the turtledove is heard in our land.

Father may we recognize that winter and rain have a purpose in our life. That flowers can’t come without the hardship of winter or the nourishing rain. That it takes darkness in life for us to appreciate the sunshine. May we always know you are there through all the seasons. Amen

Have you noticed that? I think when it became very apparent to me was after my divorce. Married 17 years, dated for 2 years. Since we met when I was 16, this was over half of my life. Even though the divorce was a necessary evil, I say that because I was losing the ability to be a good mom, it was still very painful. I found that going to DivorceCare was very helpful for me, but it seemed that things I had to say helped others. That’s when I realized all my pain was being used for something good.

I have a friend who says “God wastes nothing”, everything has a purpose even when we can’t see it. I don’t know why I’m a widow at this point. I know that both the men I dated after my divorce have passed away, and they passed away within 8 days of each other. So, it’s abundantly clear to me that I’m supposed to be single at this time…. “why?” remains to be solved. I may never know the “why” in this life time. But I have been drawing near to my Heavenly Father to find my way, to find “what now”.

James 4:8a Come near to God and He will come near to you.

Seek to use your pain to help others. It lightens your own burden and brings a measure of peace.

Father, help us to be open to sharing our heartaches with others so that we might be a light for them. A light for easing what they are going through and a lighted path to You. Amen

(For Ashleigh- thanks for all your support 💕)

What do you want for your life? How do you express it? Do you write out goals or create a business plan? I would recommend you consider a Vision Board.

Last week I attended a Women In Financial Services meeting and had the opportunity to make a Vision Board for 2018. I’ve done this in the past and I think it’s a very good thing to do. It was an especially good thing for me as a grieving widow. For one, it is something that goes with my 2018 word “Create”. As a visual person it allowed me to create a picture of what I’ve been thinking I want this year to be.

I put some pictures on it that represent organization. Rob and I moved to this home 4 years ago this March, but I’ve never really set up my craft area. I put the word “peace” with those pictures, because creating will bring me peace.

I put a picture of a barn and the words “a warm welcome” on it. I would love to have a barn and host barn dances, but I’m considering if it needs to be a beautiful barn for other purposes as well. Either way dear friends and others will be welcome.

Interestingly enough there was a “trout” magazine near me. How many of you would pick that one up to look through? It spoke to me because of the beautiful trout Rob and I caught together, and how amazing those fishing trips were. In the magazine was a beautiful picture of the “River of Hope”, a well sought after place for trout fishing. But it has an entirely different meaning for me. My life is filled with hope as I seek to know what the Lord has for me next. This picture was a beautiful representation of that.

I have things to add to the Vision Board, as our time was limited, such as something about my writing goals for this year.

Vision Boards are generally a picture you create of things you want to manifest in your life. Often centered around money you want to make, things you want to be able to purchase and health goals. There is nothing wrong with that. I and many people I know, have made those things come true by using a Vision Board. Additionally for me, it was a very grounding experience. It helped me to FEEL the things I know to be true: that I will be okay, that I will live my life to the fullest, that intense grief will not last forever and I do have the peace and hope that I’m portraying on my Board. That’s it’s okay to look for peace and hope everyday until it’s fully present in my life.

My foundational verse is worth repeating here: Jer 29:11 I know the plans I have for you saith the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you.

Father help us focus on the life you would have us live, while knowing that no matter the curve balls life has sent us that we should live each day to the fullest. Help us to dream big and be all that You intended us to be. Amen

I’m really enjoying this blog thing. I have two words for 2018; SIMPLIFY, what I’m doing to grow closer to God and see what He has in store for me (simplifying life to have more tome to draw near to my Potter). CREATE, creating makes me feel alive and brings me great joy.

This blog is creating something so beautiful for me, but I’m being so encouraged by others as they read it. It’s creating something beautiful for them too.

As I was reflecting on that, this thought struck me “I’m finding a new beautiful me because I lost you.” In the moment that is heart wrenching and the tears are immediately there, big wet tears. For a moment I felt bad and so sad, that it took losing my husband for me to do what I’ve longed to do for years. Then I take a deep breath and I see the beauty in honoring Rob’s life by doing what I was meant to do. It made me think of the phrase “beauty from ashes”, so I looked up the verse.

Isaiah 61:3 And provide for those who grieve in Zion, to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor.

Father, may we all look for our crown of beauty, the oil of joy and the garment of praise in all circumstances of life, especially the losses that cause our grieving. The loss of a job, a home, a family (divorce), or a beloved person. As we struggle with why, help us to find nuggets of what can be because of our loss. Amen

My GriefShare group started up again last night. They recommend you do it more than once. I missed 4 sessions last fall traveling and one because I was sick, I certainly want to sit in on those, but plan to repeat the whole series. After surviving the holidays I was ready to be in the group again.

It was raining pretty hard and this time it was at a different church. The instructions were to meet in a separate building to the East of the church. There were two and I went to the wrong one first of course! Once I was in the right place I found we had a large crowd. The facilitators opened with how the 13 week sessions work and then we watched a video. Because the group was so big we divided into two groups for discussion. I heard the other group facilitator say that all the people in her group were new. There is just such a large need for this ministry because of losses due to our aging population, illnesses and tragedies.

My group was made up of those who attended the last session, except a mom and aunt who had lost their loved one just before Thanksgiving. The rest of us had lost our loved one in 2017! We are still fresh in our grief and dealing with all the firsts.

Even though the heartbreak is still so fresh for everyone, it was good to see people making progress. This progress is coming even though we all just survived the holidays. We don’t move on, but moving forward is the best way to honor our loved one. I was so glad to see some people that I wasn’t sure would come back. While the sessions are very helpful, it also hard to come and endure the pain of the topics. I feel better when I leave, so it is very much worth it. I know that if you don’t deal with the grief it will deal with you.

Please encourage someone you know to go to http://www.griefshare.org to find a group or to sign up for daily devotionals. Better yet sign up for the devotional yourself so that you can have a better understanding of what they are going through. The Bible is so rich with verses of comfort, and you will find it as it relates to all the emotions of grief in these devotionals.

Father, I thank you for the people who chose to take their grief and create GriefShare. Those willing to share on the videos so that we see we are not alone, we aren’t crazy and everything we are going through is normal. Thank you for people who dedicate their lives professionally to counseling, as well as those who just love others enough to give of their time for these 13 weeks. Thank you for showing us through your word that You are there to comfort us, to remind us that You willingly suffered the loss of Your Son, Jesus, so that we have eternity with You and our loved ones. Amen

Grief is so difficult and trips me up. Sometimes it’s a little stumble and sometimes you’re laid out flat. I felt laid out flat yesterday after my phone call from Kaiser. Such that I didn’t get things done. Then I didn’t make it for church this morning, but I made it for Sunday School. The lesson was good and seeing my friends was good, even though I felt empty.

My adult children and I were scheduled to have lunch with some of their extended family, on their dad’s side, that live in the Denver area. We had a good time and it lifted my spirits some.

My daughter’s 29th Birthday was last Thursday and she wanted to do a Clue Room escape game to celebrate. We had tried it in July for her brother’s 32nd birthday and if we had just 2 more minutes we would have escaped. Today we had redemption!! We played one of their newer games. We worked as a GREAT team. My son got a clue that baffled his sister and I, and is totally the reason we stoped the attacks on London, Sydney, Lagos and Shanghai…. saving the world and escaping the room with about 6 minutes to go. (We were just missing my son-in-law who didn’t feel well, and couldn’t join us.)

It was so much fun to be successful at the adventure, and I feel full of life. I wish dealing with grief was that easy all the time, but it isn’t. Fallen officers, friends passing in mere weeks after a cancer diagnosis, others with new diagnosis or someone’s cancer that has returned, all make my grief as fresh as the days after the shock wore off.

I thank the Lord for times of relief and real joy. Real living after the loss of a loved one is possible. We should live to the fullest and to God’s glory. It is the best way to honor our loved one.

Father I thank you for your blessing of life, your graciousness, your new blessings every day and the joy we can find we when seek it. May this help me to pull up my bootstraps the next time my grief is heavy, and may it help others to seek to be thankful for their day and to enjoy their life to the fullest. Amen

I loved Kaiser and the care they gave Rob.  When I finally answered the 817 area code call that had been coming in on my phone daily, it was Kaiser asking to do a survey about the last month of my loved one’s life.  If you read “It’s about to be 2018….” you know it’s been rough of late.  I told the very young person on the other end of the line that I thought this was horrible.  She asked if there was a better time she could call?  “NO, this is an awful thing to be doing a survey on.”  I don’t even remember what she said next as I took a deep breath and decide it would be good to “help”.   Today, I wish I didn’t always want to help.

She read me the standard disclosure about how I could stop at any time, etc.  I think I made it through most of the survey based on the length of time it was supposed to take.  However, when they started asking very detailed questions about the very end it was more than I could take!  In the moment of the heartache and tears, I said “and we are done, this is horrible, goodbye” , and I hung up without giving her time to speak.  I sit back now and think, really, you need to know specifically if they did everything they could to keep him comfortable?  If they didn’t, don’t you think I would raise H E double hockey sticks!  (By the way Denver Hospice was beyond amazing in what they did for us.)

Now a little over an hour later when I can think straight, I do realize that not everyone is a “Mama Bear” when it comes to getting what their loved one needs in health care.  One of the best things about Kaiser and specifically Kaiser Oncology, was the Oncologist saying to me “We will not abandon you.”  Talk about a warm hug and feeling huge relief.  We had been abandoned by two other Oncologist that deemed Rob was no longer their patient because he wasn’t doing traditional treatment.  With reflection now, I wasn’t such a “Mama Bear” over that, that was wrong and shouldn’t have happened.  It made my life as a caretaker very difficult.  Kaiser was amazing and I hope to figure out a way to let them know that.  I do wish I could save others from that survey.

Bottom line, I guess I just don’t understand why we have so many surveys.  Maybe because we don’t let people and companies know when they do a good job, and all they get are the complaints?  Or we are in such a litigious society that they want to do better and not get sued?  I have no answer, just survey annoyance.  Sorry…

Father, life is full of blindsides.  I’m so grateful that you are there in good times, in bad times and in blindsides.  I’m not even sure how these words can help someone today, except that with great love comes great grief.  I thank you for that love and the blindsides that come in my grief.  May they make me more aware of other peoples hurts and less likely to unintentionally hurt them, as well as more gracious towards those who unintentionally hurt me.