Author: Tammie Myers Sharp

… and it’s not what you think! I found myself saying to someone this morning that it’s important to be content in your life. Since I’m single again, I hang out with many single people. Most of these single people are not in a relationship. Some handle that with grace and some desperately want to be in a relationship. You could add in here those who aren’t happy in their marriage or their job, or maybe life in general.

It’s the second set of people that break my heart. Through circumstances of my life I feel that I have learned to be content like Paul.

Phil 4:11 ESV Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content.

The reason this desperation breaks my heart, is that people are missing out on today when they are looking for tomorrow. Missing out on what is right in front of them, the blessings of the day, because they aren’t content and are seeking what they don’t have. Everyday we have is a beautiful day to be celebrated, just as it is! I believe that’s why Paul calls us to be content. He didn’t want us to miss out on what God has for us each and every day either.

When you are content then you are most open for the wonderful things that are present in each day. It also keeps you from jumping into things that aren’t ideal for you. I’ve learned through experience that when are desperate for something you don’t have, you settle for something that isn’t ideal. This just leads to more heartbreak.

Father, help us in our desires of fulfillment to realize that You can fulfill above anything else. That You can truly love us like we desire to be loved. Help us to focus on this moment in our lives, to look at what is in front of us and be satisfied with where You have us. To be searching for what You want to teach us in the circumstances that we are in. May we praise and glorify You in our singleness, in our marriages, in our jobs and in every breath we take. May we just lean in to where You have us and trust that it’s where we are supposed to be.

I had many sad moments this past week in Alaska. Sad because Rob and I never made it to Alaska together. I know he was there in spirit and it felt good to see the Alaska he loved. It really brought it home when we arrived at the airport to leave and there were lots of fisherman with their boxes of fish and their poles.

Alaska is a beautiful place and Grace Works has a beautiful mission. (I wrote the above the last week of July and never finished this post. Will do my best to finish it well now.)

There were several reasons I wanted to do this Mission Trip:

1) Rob and I had talked about doing a mission trip, but didn’t get to.

2) 2018 was my year to draw nearer to God and to heal my broken heart. Doing His work is always a good way to do both.

3) The team was lead by my dear friend Stacy, who had gone the year before. She had an amazing week and a God Wink moment.

4) Finally, it was the same week of the year that Rob always went fishing. That week was chosen because it was the ideal time for 4 kinds of salmon to be running. It was God’s timing that this was the particular week that our church was going to Anchorage out of 10 weeks that Grace Works runs the mission.

We were one of eleven teams at Grace Works that week. Each morning we would have breakfast and then chapel. Each team was assigned a park and we would go to the park after our lunch. We would interact and play with the children in the park, serve them lunch, have a Vacation Bible School lesson and craft. Before we left we would have a prayer circle. Each afternoon our prayer circle grew with more of the children staying to pray with us.

The Bible tells us what we do or do not do for others is a reflection of what we do for our Heavenly Father.

Mathew 25:40 & 45 “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’

“He will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.’

On Monday afternoon I didn’t know if I could do it all week. My emotions were high. I wasn’t used to standing in a park. I wasn’t used to the noise of children. It was a lot to take in. Some of these children’s only meal of the day would be what we brought that day.

After a good nights sleep and a refreshed heart through our own chapel, the rest of the week was easier. Fulfilling and healing. What we do for others is very important for them, but it’s always very good for us as well. I did find some healing for my broken heart through this Alaskan adventure via a mission trip.

Father, may we all be more charitably minded. May we see others through Your eyes. Please help us to understand that while we are giving and/or doing with a glad heart that we can not out give You. It might be healing, it might be our own salvation, it might be financial, it might be peace. You as our Father give us good gifts. Help us to be more giving. Amen

It’s so fun, and yet currently heart wrenching, to see people celebrating anniversaries (and other couple things). First one, 10th, 25th, 30th, 50th, and 60th are the usual BIG anniversaries. I was catching up on Madam Secretary tonight and they were celebrating their 30th. Yes it had me in tears, no surprise.

I remember when Rob proposed and I said yes, thinking that we’d be lucky to get to celebrate 25 or 30 years, if the Lord was willing. A few nights ago I had a moment of “it isn’t fair that it was only 4 1/2 years of marriage”.

It was 1996 (the year of my divorce from my children’s father) when I learned life wasn’t fair…. that no where on my birth certificate did it say the word “fair”. I didn’t want to be divorced. I had stayed 17 years trying to avoid putting my children through a divorce. It wasn’t fair. However, that was the year Jer 29:11 became my favorite verse replacing the last phrase of Josh 24:15. It’s not that I don’t still live by Josh 24:15 as I have it on my cross wall,

but I live each day knowing that God knows the plans He has for me, plans to prosper me not to harm me!

Rob and I courted for 18 months. It was important for us to change the legacy of divorce in our lives, our children’s lives, as well as those who are closest to us. God turned that obedience into ministering to other couples through Art of Marriage in our home, which we brought to our church. Finally we were blessed to minister to one pre-marital couple as part of Marriage Mentors at our church, before Rob was too ill. I could continue to cry over how it isn’t fair or I can look at the beauty of what happened in our short years together. To be grateful for the legacy that did indeed change our lives. So I give thanks to God for his blessing, and tonight I ask for His peace, the peace that passes all understanding.

Philippians 4:6-7 New International Version (NIV)

6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Father, please come close to us, the broken hearted who are anxious, who are feeling that life isn’t fair. Who are struggling with “couples” things, especially with Valentines already being prevalent in the stores. Give us Your peace that is unlike any other. Help us to be thankful for all You have done for us. But in that thankfulness, help us to bring our requests to You. Amen

I’ve been struggling to write blog posts, I think because it’s been a difficult season. The holidays are extremely hard when you are in the first few years of grief. You put on a happy face and try to enjoy the merriment. You know you’re thankful and have much to be thankful for; but there is just this emptiness, this ache, and these tears that are rolling inside of you. Rolling and waiting to burst out.

I’m blessed to have people who are so kind…. so caring. They ask me how I’m doing and they mean it. They take me to lunch or happy hour, and we just get to be real. Today a very dear friend thanked me for my example of faith, bringing me to tears. Also, today one of our ministers said “are you going to be okay?” I said “I am” with tears in my eyes. I will be okay. I will survive not one but two Christmas Eve Services (I want to go to the one at my church, it’s always amazing! Especially when we light all the candles in the dark sanctuary. I also want to attend an 11 pm service at my daughter and son-in-law’s church.) I will enjoy a few hours with some of the singles at my church in between. I’m sure I will have an amazing time with my kids opening presents, and then a lovely dinner with my daughter’s in-laws, who are so kind to invite my son and I to their place for the holidays.

There are many things that bring tears to your eyes when you are grieving. There are things that don’t happen (the Christmas cards sitting on my desk and the Christmas letter I can’t write, the tree still in the basement – but I bought a 1/2 price purple poinsettia tonight!). However, tonight I got undone…. I went to Walmart to buy some silver paint for wreaths I’m making for New Years Eve, grabbed a few other things I needed. My sweet checker asked me if I was already and I am (as much as I’m gonna be on December 23rd, despite the undone tasks). As I’m speaking with her I spy them blind her…. Swisher Sweet Cigars. I rarely bought them for Rob, except in the first few months that he was sick until he managed to quit smoking them. I had to fight the urge to buy them just because, just to have them, just to feel near to him. It’s the one thing out of others things that he liked that would have been 100% for him. For instance if I buy the garlic stuffed olives he loved, I know that I loved them too. It still makes me sad to buy them, that he’s not here to enjoy them, but it doesn’t undo me. The Swisher Sweets would just be for him! They also remind me of my dad who smoked them occasionally and December 3rd was the 20th Anniversary of his heavenly homecoming. So there is lots of emotions around these small cigars.

I held myself together until I got to the car and then I couldn’t keep the floodgates shut. Crying as I drive home, I pray I’m not weaving as if I’ve been drinking! As much as I’d rather not cry, it’s very good to do so. It’s cleansing and healing in that it’s a recognition of the pain and the sadness of grief. It’s important to feel these and to release them. Keeping them tucked in allows them to grow till they explode, as well as to harm your body with illness. BUT CRYING STILL SUCKS!

James 1:27 Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.

Obviously there is more to this verse than the part that I’ve put in bold. A very important part is for us to keep from being polluted by the world. But tonight it is the bold part that I’m so grateful for! I’m blessed with a very large village of people that take this seriously and do this for me in many and various ways. (I want to issue a caution here…. if you have someone in your life grieving, ask how you can be there for them? We are all different and need different things. I’m very social and I heal through these interactions and social settings. Others may just need a hug or to know you are praying for them, or maybe just telling them you’re missing their loved one or remember their loved one. Someone said to me recently that they didn’t really know Rob, but they’d heard nice things about him – so heart warming!!)

Father, I thank You for Your blessings, especially for the blessings of Your children that take this verse to heart. I feel that I’m always aware of Your hands and feet through Your children. I feel so blessed, but I pray that others who are grieving are feeling Your love. I pray for others to be more aware, more gentle and more like You as they encounter the grieving. Amen

Coming home continues to be a struggle. I go away somewhere. The fact that I’m a widow always comes up. I’m sure because I never hesitate to share it. I am an open book as they say.

I’m at 18 months of being a widow. People ask how I’m doing and I’m pretty good. I’ve worked hard to deal with my grief. I’ve utilized the tools I’ve been taught over the years and I’ve done two sessions of GriefShare group therapy. I believe that living my life well honors Rob the best. I believe in taking the bull by the horns and doing the hard thing.

But coming home…. that’s another story. That is always hard, invokes some depression and leaves me exhausted and wanting to sleep for days.

It is possible that I’m living a dream when I’m not home and then reality sets in when I get back. I think that’s 10% of the problem. I think it’s more about the traveling and how it specifically impacts my grief:

My mission trip: was in Alaska where Rob would go fishing AND it was the week of the summer that he would go fishing.

My cruise to Alaska: was the trip we had talked about doing together.

My biz trip to the SanFrancisco area: was an opportunity to see my Aunt and Uncle who live a few hours away. We had gone to see them 4 years ago and his writing was in the guest book (yes I chose to look in the book- I choose to do the hard things! Because there is beauty in the memories too, not just the squeezing of my heart.)

My biz trip to Austin: was an opportunity to see my sister who lived a few hours away. I came home grieving my mom, who has been gone for 11 years. They were living together when my mom passed. The grief journey isn’t done, and I have the same issues/exhaustion as grieving Rob.

The Pen and The Page weekend: Tricia instructed us to write what came up even if it was off topic, because if it came up there’s a reason and we need to write about it. Rob came up a lot. She was very encouraging and complimentary about how we (I wasn’t alone in writing through my tears) chose to persevere through the tears.

There were lots of tears for lots of reasons for lots of people. Writing is emotional. We remembered things we hadn’t previously. We realized how we had grown in our lives. AND lest you think it was ALL tears, we had great belly laughs too… oh and those brought tears, but the laugh till you cry kind.

Getting up and writing this morning was good!! I no longer want to just crawl back into bed. However, this beautiful snowy morning makes me want a warm cup of coffee and a blanket and a Hallmark movie!

As blogs go for me, this one is long but they are necessary words for me today.

Psalm 30:5b weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.

Father, I know it’s important to weep, to feel our pain, to walk through our grief. Help us to lean into You, to rest in your loving arms, to work through our grief so the rejoicing comes in the morning. Help us to realize there is a purpose to our pain. It will be used for Your glory, to draw someone else to Your love and to eternity with You where all sorrow and suffering will be gone.

Grief is a funny beast with tentacles all over the place. I heard this in a Dee Henderson book called “True Devotion”. A young widow in the story lost her Navy Seal husband in the line of duty. She’s just passed the 3 year anniversary. The friend she’s talking with has picked up on hints that she’s not sleeping well and that she’s have crying episodes. She’s having triggers of grief in unexpected moments. Thus the “tentacles” all over the place.

This is nothing new if you’ve had any experience with grief and I’ve even blogged about it before. But the title just made so much sense. It’s a good word picture of what happens. The beast has tentacles and it’s just crops up whenever it feels like it. It’s usually unexpected and a blind side. You’re going along living life and wham, a tentacle pops up.

It can be you’re loved ones handwriting, a special food you bought for them, your song on the radio, etc. The reactions are varied. It’s at least emotions catching in your chest or throat. Often tears and sometimes even sobs. Sometimes it’s brief, sometimes it’s long. Sometimes it pops back up at bedtime or in the shower the next morning.

Recently someone said to me “what happened with the people who tried to tell you how to grieve?” I said they aren’t part of my life now. That person wasn’t surprised and said “no one has a right to tell you how to grieve, it’s each persons journey and they get to do it their own way.”

My GriefShare email this morning talks how we have great strength and then comes great sorrow.

Dr E V Hill says “Then you can expect the visit of the devil. He is a booger. He knows when to come and what to say to make you feel even worse. ”

Isaiah 46:6 Even to your old age and gray hairs I am He, I am He who will sustain you, I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you”

This is a great promise! I encourage you to lean in to the loving arms of our Heavenly Father! It’s like the foot prints in the sand poem…. it’s not one set because He left us, but because He carried us.

Father, help us recognized when we are giving Satan a foothold and instead help us to turn to You. In moments of our deepest grief I pray we rest in Your loving arms. We have Your great promise. Others let us down but You do not. Amen.

I’ve had some very impactful moments in my life and I pray you have too. I was 26 when my mom did a 30 day treatment program to gain sobriety. Part of that process was a “family week”, where we joined her and had the opportunity to heal somethings in our life. Things between my mom and I, things within myself from other circumstances. It changed my life. It removed a ball and chain that had become part of my life.

The last thing they did before we left on the final day was play Whitney Houston’s “The Greatest Love”. Yesterday as I did some work on my limiting beliefs, this song became part of getting rid of those. Here is the part of the song that resonates with me so strongly:

Because the greatest

Love of all is happening to me

I found the greatest

Love of all inside of me

The greatest love of all

Is easy to achieve

Learning to love yourself

It is the greatest love of all

I believe the children are our future

Teach them well and let them lead the way

Show them all the beauty they possess inside

Give them a sense of pride to make it easier

Let the children’s laughter remind us how we used to be

We are that child too! We need to remember all the beauty we possess inside us. The Bible tells us how special we were made. God only made one of each of us. Celebrate your beauty, your abilities, your desires, your passions and the One who gave them all to you. Be authentically the person He made you to be.

Psalms 139:19

For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother’s womb.

Father, may we remember how special you made each and everyone of us. May we seek to be all you made us to be. Please remove limiting beliefs and help us to be authentically who You made us! Amen

Love leaves a memory no one can steal.

I’m multi-tasking tonight. Getting a play list together for the barn dance tomorrow night, and as I was looking through my notes I came across some sweet memories of my late husband, Rob, that I’ve wanted to write about. Now seemed a good time to write about one.

Rob LOVED to make people laugh. I think his brain must have worked on it 24×7. The beauty of it is that he didn’t have to always be there to hear the laugh. This is a story of one time he had to wait to hear the results…. results he knew would come.

Our Sunday School does something called “Dinner for 8”. We have a large class and this is a way to get to know people better. We rotate homes with the couples or pairs (usually two single women that pair up to host in one or the other of their homes) of people involved. The host do the main course and then assign items for the other couples or pairs to bring.

The couples home that we are visiting this particular night, we are pretty close to. Rob’s first time to got to the men’s retreat with SECC, the husband road with him, and there was just a bond built.

We all had a lovely dinner and conversation. We are then saying goodbye at the door. Rob and I always have to use the restroom, because we live in the country which means we are usually a fair drive away. Rob seems to be in there awhile, but we are all chatting and it doesn’t seem too unreasonable of time. We left and I was none the wiser, until the next time we see this couple. I then learn why it took Rob so long… the powder bathroom is FULL of teddy bears. I mean FULL, if memory serves it was 21. Rob covered all of their eyes with little pieces of toilet paper!!! Because…. he couldn’t “go” with all those “watching” eyes. Of course it tickled her to no end! We laughed about it more than once. Rob was thrilled that she got such a kick out of it.

Ecc 3:4 a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance

Rob delivered many “times to laugh” and I believe if was one of his gifts from the Lord. I sure do miss it, and love when someone has that kind of humor and reminds me of my sweet Rob. This is the perfect verse for us as a couple because I love to dance and to help others learn and enjoy dancing; Rob certainly made thousands of people laugh (watch for another blog about photo bombs and other giggling moments.)

Father, may we be as willing as Rob to use our gifts to impact the lives of other people. May the use of these gifts always point people to you. We all have much to mourn and weep about in life, may we always remember to laugh and dance. Amen – the dancing lady who misses the one who made her laugh

I had an interesting thing happen Thursday. I was sitting in my Christian Women Business Organization luncheon and we were all giving our 30 second promotional. A guest stood up and said who she was and she is with a local hospital. I tuned out, not just because it’s a hospital and I spent way too much time in them from June of 16 – Feb of 17, but because of which hospital it was. You see, I have baggage, I have anger because of what happened to Rob and I at that hospital.

In the next second she is saying she’s my prayer partner for the month! Yep and “oh xxxx” kind of moment. I try very hard to live in God’s grace moment to moment. However, that is difficult when we feel we are justified in our anger and we want to be angry. I’m angry over something that happened in July of 2016 and it’s now September of 2018. I’ve put it aside, not stewed on it…. but when the moment presents the anger is there.

Today I was in a God’s Grace moment, because a moment after she said my name I realized I get to heal. I get to let the anger go. I get to be an advocate for Rob and I, and for many others. Will anything really change? I don’t know and I may never know, but I know I get the opportunity to try and make a difference.

She came up to me to schedule. I took a deep breath and told her I really do need to talk with her. I gave her enough details, while telling her what had just happened with me in those moment to moment steps. With tears in her eyes she said she was sorry, that she didn’t one anyone to have the experience we did (and she doesn’t even know the full story yet.) She’s looking forward to hearing the full story. I can tell she knows that hearing me out will be healing for me, and that it has the potential to help others.

Are you living in the moment to moment of God’s grace? Are you listening and looking for God to show up? He does!!! And we miss it too much of the time.

Zeph 3:17 The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness; He will quiet you by His love; He will exult over you with loud singing.

This verse says what happened to me today! He quieted my anger, and gave me a place to release it – to be heard. He’s rejoicing with me because of what this will do for me, how i will heal, and how it will help others. He’s also rejoicing and exulting over me because I was looking for Him and I saw Him in the moment.

Father, may we live moment by moment because You are in our midst. You seek to save us physically and spiritually. Anger has no place in our life without destruction. Neither does fear. Father when we are seeking you MOMENT BY MOMENT, anger and fear don’t have a chance. Help us to seek You every moment. Thanks for the redemption that comes when we do! Amen

A friend invited me to Summer Song 2018… it was a wild Colorado whether day. It was raining and very chilly as we waited to go in and find a place we wanted to sit on the lawn. I decided to go buy a long sleeved t-short or hoodie to get warm. A t-shirt I wanted was sold out, but it brought this one to my attention. It was hanging furthest away from me so I wasn’t sure what it said. The minute he laid it on the counter I knew it was my shirt. Tuesday morning my abide app devotional was on this verse.

Monday I did one of the hardest things I’ve done since Rob passed, and it was the first time I could… I attended the Celebration of Life service for a dear Sunday School friend. They had announced that visitation would be at 3 and my brain just didn’t put that in place, so when I walked up to the church and saw the hearse, the emotions hit. Ah! Visitation! The opportunity to view the body in the casket and say goodbye. I did sneak in and grab a seat just as the service was starting. It was beautiful and I cried a lot.

It was also in the same room my husband’s service has been held on May 21st 2017. The flashbacks …. PTSD…. started. But I was able to take some deep cleansing breaths and think about how I was too stunned to enjoy that day. Things like all the people that were there to remember Rob and to love and comfort me. Things like the memory table I had spent the three weeks perfecting to honor my husband as best as I could. How my church lovingly ask me important questions so the minister would say meaningful things, and how the food would be things Rob enjoyed. How I spent a Saturday morning making a beautiful silk bouquet to honor him, and that bouquet resides in my living room today with the label “Beloved Husband.” It was hard and gut wrenching, but it was good and healing.

I was sitting there thinking “I sure need a hug” as I cried with each song. Cried harder as my friend’s wife and the rest of his family laid roses on his casket. His granddaughters signed a song, two others sang a song and one of these two told what happened the day my friend fell and hit his head and how that caused him to breath his last here on earth. We visited at our table about how we’d all like to go that quickly, that peacefully, and without a long period of suffering.

As for my hug… two other women from our class happened to be near where we could write a note to the family. I got my hug x 2 and was able to share how hard this was for me. Then I was good to embrace visiting at my table and even with my newly widowed friend. She said she couldn’t do what I did, which was speak from the stage. I told her it was probably the hardest thing I’ve done and that her granddaughters did such a beautiful job. But ah ha! Coming to the service today wasn’t the hardest thing…. speaking at Rob’s service was, but it was also the greatest honor of my life. I might not ever have remembered that if it weren’t for attending this service.

Today…… today I feel like this is the first day of the rest of my life. Because I am alive and I have great things to do. The best way to honor Rob is to live my life well. Lord, willing I will do my best.

Psalm 34:18 The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. (Today this is the most beautiful verse in the Bible to me!)

Father, may we feel your loving arms, your warm tears, your sweet breath and your broken heart when we are broken hearted and crushed in spirit. May we be attentive to others who are broken hearted and offer our words, our hugs and our listening ear. Amen