I’ve been struggling to write blog posts, I think because it’s been a difficult season. The holidays are extremely hard when you are in the first few years of grief. You put on a happy face and try to enjoy the merriment. You know you’re thankful and have much to be thankful for; but there is just this emptiness, this ache, and these tears that are rolling inside of you. Rolling and waiting to burst out.
I’m blessed to have people who are so kind…. so caring. They ask me how I’m doing and they mean it. They take me to lunch or happy hour, and we just get to be real. Today a very dear friend thanked me for my example of faith, bringing me to tears. Also, today one of our ministers said “are you going to be okay?” I said “I am” with tears in my eyes. I will be okay. I will survive not one but two Christmas Eve Services (I want to go to the one at my church, it’s always amazing! Especially when we light all the candles in the dark sanctuary. I also want to attend an 11 pm service at my daughter and son-in-law’s church.) I will enjoy a few hours with some of the singles at my church in between. I’m sure I will have an amazing time with my kids opening presents, and then a lovely dinner with my daughter’s in-laws, who are so kind to invite my son and I to their place for the holidays.
There are many things that bring tears to your eyes when you are grieving. There are things that don’t happen (the Christmas cards sitting on my desk and the Christmas letter I can’t write, the tree still in the basement – but I bought a 1/2 price purple poinsettia tonight!). However, tonight I got undone…. I went to Walmart to buy some silver paint for wreaths I’m making for New Years Eve, grabbed a few other things I needed. My sweet checker asked me if I was already and I am (as much as I’m gonna be on December 23rd, despite the undone tasks). As I’m speaking with her I spy them blind her…. Swisher Sweet Cigars. I rarely bought them for Rob, except in the first few months that he was sick until he managed to quit smoking them. I had to fight the urge to buy them just because, just to have them, just to feel near to him. It’s the one thing out of others things that he liked that would have been 100% for him. For instance if I buy the garlic stuffed olives he loved, I know that I loved them too. It still makes me sad to buy them, that he’s not here to enjoy them, but it doesn’t undo me. The Swisher Sweets would just be for him! They also remind me of my dad who smoked them occasionally and December 3rd was the 20th Anniversary of his heavenly homecoming. So there is lots of emotions around these small cigars.
I held myself together until I got to the car and then I couldn’t keep the floodgates shut. Crying as I drive home, I pray I’m not weaving as if I’ve been drinking! As much as I’d rather not cry, it’s very good to do so. It’s cleansing and healing in that it’s a recognition of the pain and the sadness of grief. It’s important to feel these and to release them. Keeping them tucked in allows them to grow till they explode, as well as to harm your body with illness. BUT CRYING STILL SUCKS!
James 1:27 Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.
Obviously there is more to this verse than the part that I’ve put in bold. A very important part is for us to keep from being polluted by the world. But tonight it is the bold part that I’m so grateful for! I’m blessed with a very large village of people that take this seriously and do this for me in many and various ways. (I want to issue a caution here…. if you have someone in your life grieving, ask how you can be there for them? We are all different and need different things. I’m very social and I heal through these interactions and social settings. Others may just need a hug or to know you are praying for them, or maybe just telling them you’re missing their loved one or remember their loved one. Someone said to me recently that they didn’t really know Rob, but they’d heard nice things about him – so heart warming!!)
Father, I thank You for Your blessings, especially for the blessings of Your children that take this verse to heart. I feel that I’m always aware of Your hands and feet through Your children. I feel so blessed, but I pray that others who are grieving are feeling Your love. I pray for others to be more aware, more gentle and more like You as they encounter the grieving. Amen
Grace Under Pressure 