Coming home….

Coming home continues to be a struggle. I go away somewhere. The fact that I’m a widow always comes up. I’m sure because I never hesitate to share it. I am an open book as they say.

I’m at 18 months of being a widow. People ask how I’m doing and I’m pretty good. I’ve worked hard to deal with my grief. I’ve utilized the tools I’ve been taught over the years and I’ve done two sessions of GriefShare group therapy. I believe that living my life well honors Rob the best. I believe in taking the bull by the horns and doing the hard thing.

But coming home…. that’s another story. That is always hard, invokes some depression and leaves me exhausted and wanting to sleep for days.

It is possible that I’m living a dream when I’m not home and then reality sets in when I get back. I think that’s 10% of the problem. I think it’s more about the traveling and how it specifically impacts my grief:

My mission trip: was in Alaska where Rob would go fishing AND it was the week of the summer that he would go fishing.

My cruise to Alaska: was the trip we had talked about doing together.

My biz trip to the SanFrancisco area: was an opportunity to see my Aunt and Uncle who live a few hours away. We had gone to see them 4 years ago and his writing was in the guest book (yes I chose to look in the book- I choose to do the hard things! Because there is beauty in the memories too, not just the squeezing of my heart.)

My biz trip to Austin: was an opportunity to see my sister who lived a few hours away. I came home grieving my mom, who has been gone for 11 years. They were living together when my mom passed. The grief journey isn’t done, and I have the same issues/exhaustion as grieving Rob.

The Pen and The Page weekend: Tricia instructed us to write what came up even if it was off topic, because if it came up there’s a reason and we need to write about it. Rob came up a lot. She was very encouraging and complimentary about how we (I wasn’t alone in writing through my tears) chose to persevere through the tears.

There were lots of tears for lots of reasons for lots of people. Writing is emotional. We remembered things we hadn’t previously. We realized how we had grown in our lives. AND lest you think it was ALL tears, we had great belly laughs too… oh and those brought tears, but the laugh till you cry kind.

Getting up and writing this morning was good!! I no longer want to just crawl back into bed. However, this beautiful snowy morning makes me want a warm cup of coffee and a blanket and a Hallmark movie!

As blogs go for me, this one is long but they are necessary words for me today.

Psalm 30:5b weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.

Father, I know it’s important to weep, to feel our pain, to walk through our grief. Help us to lean into You, to rest in your loving arms, to work through our grief so the rejoicing comes in the morning. Help us to realize there is a purpose to our pain. It will be used for Your glory, to draw someone else to Your love and to eternity with You where all sorrow and suffering will be gone.