A friend invited me to Summer Song 2018… it was a wild Colorado whether day. It was raining and very chilly as we waited to go in and find a place we wanted to sit on the lawn. I decided to go buy a long sleeved t-short or hoodie to get warm. A t-shirt I wanted was sold out, but it brought this one to my attention. It was hanging furthest away from me so I wasn’t sure what it said. The minute he laid it on the counter I knew it was my shirt. Tuesday morning my abide app devotional was on this verse.
Monday I did one of the hardest things I’ve done since Rob passed, and it was the first time I could… I attended the Celebration of Life service for a dear Sunday School friend. They had announced that visitation would be at 3 and my brain just didn’t put that in place, so when I walked up to the church and saw the hearse, the emotions hit. Ah! Visitation! The opportunity to view the body in the casket and say goodbye. I did sneak in and grab a seat just as the service was starting. It was beautiful and I cried a lot.
It was also in the same room my husband’s service has been held on May 21st 2017. The flashbacks …. PTSD…. started. But I was able to take some deep cleansing breaths and think about how I was too stunned to enjoy that day. Things like all the people that were there to remember Rob and to love and comfort me. Things like the memory table I had spent the three weeks perfecting to honor my husband as best as I could. How my church lovingly ask me important questions so the minister would say meaningful things, and how the food would be things Rob enjoyed. How I spent a Saturday morning making a beautiful silk bouquet to honor him, and that bouquet resides in my living room today with the label “Beloved Husband.” It was hard and gut wrenching, but it was good and healing.
I was sitting there thinking “I sure need a hug” as I cried with each song. Cried harder as my friend’s wife and the rest of his family laid roses on his casket. His granddaughters signed a song, two others sang a song and one of these two told what happened the day my friend fell and hit his head and how that caused him to breath his last here on earth. We visited at our table about how we’d all like to go that quickly, that peacefully, and without a long period of suffering.
As for my hug… two other women from our class happened to be near where we could write a note to the family. I got my hug x 2 and was able to share how hard this was for me. Then I was good to embrace visiting at my table and even with my newly widowed friend. She said she couldn’t do what I did, which was speak from the stage. I told her it was probably the hardest thing I’ve done and that her granddaughters did such a beautiful job. But ah ha! Coming to the service today wasn’t the hardest thing…. speaking at Rob’s service was, but it was also the greatest honor of my life. I might not ever have remembered that if it weren’t for attending this service.
Today…… today I feel like this is the first day of the rest of my life. Because I am alive and I have great things to do. The best way to honor Rob is to live my life well. Lord, willing I will do my best.
Psalm 34:18 The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. (Today this is the most beautiful verse in the Bible to me!)
Father, may we feel your loving arms, your warm tears, your sweet breath and your broken heart when we are broken hearted and crushed in spirit. May we be attentive to others who are broken hearted and offer our words, our hugs and our listening ear. Amen
Grace Under Pressure 