Living again

To me the hardest thing about grief is that you occasionally get this feeling of “I’m okay, life is okay, I’m living again.”  Then wham you are mired in grief once again.  I seem to experience two versions of this.

Little versions.  Times when I’m just having several good days in a row, when I’m getting tasks like house cleaning caught up and I generally feel good.  Then something will be a reminder and bring the tears.

BIG VERSIONS Times when you really, really feel like you are making progress, like there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  Then a big heart wrenching brokenness hits you again.

I’m coming up to just a about 5 weeks until the first anniversary of Rob’s homecoming to Heaven.  I’ve been having some hard days.  I’ve even been tremendously sad that it was around this time last year when I admitted for the first time to myself, that we weren’t going to win the earthly battle.  That he was indeed going to go meet Jesus face to face.  It’s hard to remember those moments.  There is a PTSD quality to those memories.

I live in the memory for a bit, I shed some tears and feel the pain in my heart.  Then I choose to be grateful for all God has given me, specifically the time he gave me with Rob.  We met because of God’s plan.  Almost nothing in our lives would have made our paths cross. There is a very remote possibility that we might have attended some church event at the same time.  Very remote.  So, only God!

The truth is that I am also making progress in my grief.  I go to a GriefShare recovery group and I can tell in my notes, in some journaling I did, in my conversations with my friends and family, that I am doing better.  I’m also realistic about there being hard days ahead yet.

Philippians 1:6 And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.

Father, may we realize that all that happens in our life is part of the good work you began in each of us and that you will bring it to it’s fullness.  Help us to understand that each of us has a different time frame for our fullness.  Help us to be grateful for the trials in this life that mold and shape us, and bring us closer to you.  Amen